[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* Love and marriage
* It's an institute You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage-- *
[GUNSHOT]
I'm so excited!
Steve's been gone for five days.
That's the longest we've been apart
since we were married.
Well, you know how it is, Peg.
What would you do if Al was gone for five days?
Cash in his insurance policy,
give the kids to my mother, and travel.
[CAR APPROACHES]
There's Steve now. Get ready.
Al, did you have to come home?
Well, the summer place is all closed up,
the yacht's in dry-dock,
so I thought, "What the hell?
Let's spend the night at the ghetto home."
What's going on?
We're having a welcome back party for Steve.
So the bucket of death wasn't really meant for me.
Why aren't we having the party at her house?
Was it because all Steve's friends
couldn't fit in there?
No, you see,
when Steve comes back from these trips,
he comes back...ready.
If we have the party at our house,
there's be such a mess,
and Steve has trouble getting aroused
if the house isn't clean.
Hmm. Maybe if I cleaned up,
Al would get aroused.
It's not worth the gamble.
Steve loves his river-rafting trips.
I went with him once.
You can't imagine what it's like
to ride something so wild and uncontrolled.
Yes, I can.
[CAR APPROACHES]
That's him!
Hurry! Everybody hide!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Get the door, Al.
I can't. I'm hiding.
Surprise!
Hey, this is great!
Steve, I missed y--
What's that on your face?
It's a beard. Like it?
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
Oh, ho ho. The stories I have to tell.
The very first morning--
Ha ha. Well, all's well that ends well.
Let's get some cake, huh?
Aw, I don't know, Marce, uh...
kind of tired, you know?
Really tired.
Bone...weary?
Oh.
You know, Steve, I'm kind of pooped too.
Why don't you go home and shave.
I'll put together some little sandwiches,
in case you want to snack between...naps.
Actually, I was thinking of keeping the beard.
Oh, you can, Steve. After you shave,
You can keep it in a little box.
No, I'm serious. I like it.
Oh, look, Al. They're going to fight.
Yeah. Good.
Hide the cold cuts where the kids won't find them.
Now, come on, Steve. Go on home and shave.
No.
No? No? I must have misheard you, Steve.
I thought you said "no."
I also thought all of our decisions
were going to be joint decisions.
A beard is a decision.
Fine. Next time you want to grow a beard, do it.
Don't think I won't.
The beard stays.
It's gone. I'll see to that.
You have to sleep sometime.
Try it, Marcie. I sleep like the owl.
A beard, huh?
It won't work, Al.
I don't look at your face anyway.
Everybody like their cake?
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
You know, Mom, I swear I smell cold cuts.
Do we have some?
We don't have any. No. I wish.
Hear Steve and Marcie
fight last night, kids?
I'll tell you this--
when I get married,
my wife's not going to tell me when to shave.
No, she'll just be going "baaaa."
Sure. Everybody makes fun of me
because I'm the only virgin in the house.
Oops.
He's lying, Dad.
Naaah.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Damn.
Come on, now, kids.
Is that the way we talk at the breakfast table?
Nope, sorry, Tex. No chores for you today.
Maybe we'll have you
chop a little wood for us tomorrow.
Ha ha.
I'm not really in the mood for this, Al.
I just came over to say I'm sorry
if the noise kept you awake last night.
Oh, don't worry.
We didn't hear a word,
especially when Marcie said,
"I don't care how sad Mr. Mike is.
There's no room at the inn."
[DOORBELL RINGS]
If it's that woman, I'm not here.
He's over there.
Steven Rhoades, don't you dare think
you can walk out of this argument.
What argument?
Do you see an argument?
No! All I see is an innkeeper
who doesn't honor reservations.
Shave the beard!
Okay, I'll just have to go where my beard's appreciated,
somewhere where looks aren't important...
Oh, no.
With my friends, the Bundys.
And I will remain here
until you accept this beard and all it stands for.
Fine. You can stay here as long as you want.
How long will that be, Steve?
Till hell freezes over, if need be.
She's got to learn that a man's face...
is a man's face.
You think I'm right, don't you, Peggy?
I don't look at Al's face.
All right, Steve.
If you want to play out this macho charade,
go ahead.
You can come home when your face is back
to the baby's behind I fell in love with.
Where do I sleep?
[WHISTLES]
Hi, hon.
Ahh, what a day.
Get me a beer, will you?
You know, every broad that came in the store today
was complaining their husbands
don't pay enough attention to them.
You smell good today, Peg.
Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.
Steve, what the hell are you doing here?
I live here.
But I want you to know, Al,
I am not going to be a bother to you,
so if I do anything that gets on your nerves,
don't hesitate to tell me.
Don't put your feet on the coffee table.
I just cleaned that.
And don't scrunch up the pillows.
I have to sleep there.
Oh, and if you're going to watch TV,
remember, I go to bed at 10:30 sharp.
10:30? That's when Peggy goes to sleep.
That means I have to go up with her.
Well, I hate to punish Peggy,
but I need my sleep.
Well, how about this, Steve?
Shave that bird's nest and get the hell out!
What... what's that smell?
It's food, Al.
Well, how'd you get the stove to work?
Peg said it's been broken for months.
Nah, I checked it out.
Somebody just cut the cord.
Hey! Mr. Rhoades is making food!
Yeah, and look!
He's using the bottom thing!
It's called an oven.
Wow...
You know, kids, we've eaten before, but...
we've never really eaten.
Kids, thank your mother for that terrific meal.
Thank you, Mr. Rhoades.
I set out the napkins.
Mr. Rhoades, do you know anything about algebra?
Well...
I have been known to juggle a few numbers
down at the bank.
I thought I was going to help you with your homework.
Why not pass if you can?
What a show-off.
All four burners going at once.
Well, I saw, Al.
He only used three...
and that bottom thing.
Just wait till our electric bill comes in.
It's gas, Peg.
Oh...who cares?
The point is I think we have made a big mistake
by letting Steve stay here.
KIDS: Ha ha ha!
And I don't think it's good
for the children, either.
I'm going upstairs
and putting a stop to this nonsense right now.
You'll get rid of him in the morning, won't you, Al?
Sure.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi. Is Steve here?
I thought maybe we could... Talk?
No!
Good morning, Steve!
Hey, Peg.
Steve, you look great.
I especially like that beard.
Hey, let's go out tonight, buddy.
Bowling, a movie?
Hey, let's go shopping. I'll buy you something.
Thanks, Al, but I won't be home tonight.
What's the matter, buddy? You upset about something?
Is it Peggy? Did she say something?
Because let me know.
If she did, she'll be out of here by night!
Nope, Al, it's not Peggy.
I've got to go to a banker's banquet tonight.
Marcie and I both have to be there.
But you're not going to... talk to her, are you?
No, no, but we agreed to go together
for appearances' sake.
This banquet's important to both our careers.
It would be really uncomfortable
for me to be there with her.
I mean, I haven't seen her for five days.
I haven't touched her, smelled her,
I haven't buried my face in her--
Steve!
Remember what's important here.
You have a beard and a family to take care of.
Al, I'm horny!
I'm thinking of shaving.
Yes!
No!
Al, calm down.
Can we go someplace private to talk?
Sure, buddy.
Peg, get out of here!
Fine.
I think I'll go upstairs
and look through the photo album.
You know, I think I have a picture of Marcie...
last summer, washing the car...
You know, when she got her t-shirt wet,
and you said something about... taking her for a little spin,
but you didn't use the car?
You know. That picture?
I'm shaving, Al.
I've never seen a t-shirt that wet.
Sit down, Steve.
I can't, Al.
Steve, I'm going to tell you a little something
I learned about life.
Oh, good, at the feet of the master again.
The way I see it,
Nature played a cruel trick on us.
Well, it did move us next door to each other.
All right, two tricks,
but I'm talking about the one
that keeps us men from ruling the Earth.
See, nature gave men the urge and women the answer.
Sure, it's not much, but it's all they need.
Gee, I wish nature gave us everything,
like the worm...
or like that guy who works down at the antique store,
but...nobody asked me, and now it's too late.
God, that was a wet t-shirt.
Steve, think dry here for a minute, will you?
See, the problem is...
women know we have these urges,
but they have the same urges we do.
They just don't show it because...
Well, that's how spiteful they are.
But, Steve, they need us
just as much as we need them.
Why? Because we can do the job,
and you can't take a battery home
to meet your mother.
There. I've said my piece.
Now, what are you going to do about it, buddy?
I'm going to shave and rock the house.
The beard itches, Al.
I'm sick of it, and I look stupid.
Well, I know you do, Steve,
but at least you've got your pride.
Oh, a guy like you
can get sex anytime he wants to,
but it's pride that keeps our pants up, Steve.
Just say "no."
You know something, Al? You're right.
Evolution may have passed you by,
but you're right.
I know I am.
I'm making a point here.
I'm fighting the good fight.
You're right, Steve.
Steve, when you get back from this banker thing,
I'll still be up.
Do you suppose
you could make those little brown potatoes?
I love those.
I waited till they left. What's the big news?
Steve is horny.
I can tell.
Your house is clean.
Is he ready to shave the beard?
Almost, but of course,
we have the usual obstacle.
What's Al doing?
Making Steve hold out until you give in.
Ha ha ha.
It will be a cold day in--
Oh, God, I need him.
Calm down, Marcie.
Ohh, this is one of Steve's socks.
Yes, but Al's been wearing it.
Oh, Peggy, what am I going to do?
I don't know how much longer I can hold out...
but I will not give up my principles
for an hour and a half of pleasure.
Look, you don't have to give up any--
An hour and a half?
If you add up all the sex
Al and I have ever had,
it still doesn't come to an hour and a half--
at least not of pleasure.
Oh, well. Look, you can keep your principles
and still have Steve.
Marcie, I only want your happiness,
preferably at your own house,
because, you see,
now I have healthy kids, a happy husband,
and it has just got to stop.
So why don't you do this?
Tonight, when you pick up Steve for this banker thing,
why don't you wear the sleaziest,
sexiest, sluttiest outfit you can find?
I'll loan you something.
I couldn't do that.
Our relationship isn't based on that.
Oh, please.
Then what does it mean
When you're screaming, "Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!"
yet you never go to church?
Marcie, let me tell you
a little something about men.
You see, nature played a very cruel joke on them.
It gave them a source of pleasure,
but in order for it to work,
the blood has to leave the brain,
and, you see, it leaves them confused...
disoriented...
and eager to enter into negotiations,
because the brain wants that blood back.
You see, it needs it to go to work
to pay for all those things
it agreed to only moments before.
You see, Marcie,
we may not have upper-body strength,
but we do have sexual kryptonite.
Use it, Marcie. Have him shave that beard.
Aw, hell. Have him shave his head--
for me.
No. I will not stoop as low
as to use sexual bartering in our marriage.
I'll appeal to his intellect.
We'll have a rational discussion,
and he'll shave
because he'll see I'm right.
Do you have any batteries?
I hate this beard!
Just say "no."
I don't think I can, Al.
Marcie's going to be here soon.
I was looking up dresses at work today, Al.
Perfectly natural.
It's natural in your business. You're a shoe salesman.
A bank manager has to put the security cameras
on the floor to do that.
I did that today, Al.
I'm going to cave. I just know it.
I know you are, too, Steve.
That's why I have a gift for you...
a very special gift.
I didn't want to do this
until it was absolutely necessary,
but, uh, sit down.
Clear your mind...
think of Marcie...
and take a look at...
my mother-in-law!
Aah!
Everybody says that.
Yep. Look at her,
bending over at the beach.
Summer of '71.
Notice the perspiration
percolating in the folds of her flesh.
You may wonder why her upper arms are blurry.
There was a breeze...
and we caught them in midflap.
Thanks, Al. I'm okay now.
Steve, take it,
and if you should get the urge at this banquet,
take at look at it.
It's also good for dieting.
Marcie.
Steve.
Your hair. You changed it.
Yes. Like it?
Not really.
Are we ready?
All right, Steve.
But first, I have something to say.
With regards to your beard, though it is your face,
it has affected both of us.
It does not enhance your business persona,
and it makes me terribly unhappy,
so I appeal to your intelligence,
sensitivity, and good judgment
by asking you to please shave the beard.
No.
In that case...
[BUZZ]
Peg, you know those little brown potatoes
that Steve makes?
Can you do that?
Al, you know about making love
for an hour and a half like Steve does?
Can you do that?
Burger King?
Yeah.
[***]